Coming out gay dating
At one point, I was in a hot tub with a woman who acted in spanking films and the female host, a retired police lieutenant.
But as exciting as that was, I wanted to experience spanking with someone I loved.
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Another heaping of shame from my girlfriend, and a horrifying diagnosis from a professional. The thing is, I was beginning to suspect I wasn't sick.
Or, if nothing else, that there were a lot more sick people like me out there.
I dated Jennifer during the advent of the Internet, and when she was out of the apartment I'd spend hours in spanking chat rooms or looking at spanking photos.
A couple of times I met people, real live girls, who liked to be spanked.
That's the essence of my shame, deepened by the impossibility of trying to explain it to someone who is not a spanko, someone who isn't wired to understand. A few playful swats during sex seem fun, while serious spankings seem damaged and perverse. I can tell you that just one of the many spanking subgroups on the adult website Fetlife contains more than 17,000 members.Let me clarify something: I'm not "into" spanking the way you might be "into" Celine Dion or “The Bourne Identity.” Spanking is a part of my psyche, an essential element of my sexuality.It's not like slavering over cheerleaders, or fantasizing about sex on the beach at sunset.When I was a kid I used to look up the word "spanking" in the dictionary, and I got a visceral thrill when I saw a spanking scene on “Little House on the Prairie” or “I Love Lucy.”At times, spanking was an obsession, and one made all the more torturous for the shame I felt harboring it.For more than 20 years I thought there was something wrong with me.